


Planting Seeds In A Garden You Never Get To See

by Duck_Life



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, Coming of Age, Gen, Identity Issues, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6512383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe grows up wondering what he needs to do to live up to his mother's legacy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Planting Seeds In A Garden You Never Get To See

I.

Poe’s mother used to take him to the Massassi temple on sunny days, and she would walk up and down the steep steps with him and tell him old, old legends. She would hold his hand and ruffle his curls, and on the frequent occasions that he slipped and fell, she would kiss his scraped knees and tell him it was all better.

When she dies, Poe starts thinking about trying to follow in her footsteps. He studies battle strategies and flight tactics and he practices moves in Shara Bey’s old A-Wing. He buries himself in piloting. He swears he will live up to her legacy, follow in her footsteps, even though her tread was so wide, even though her shadow loomed so large.

He gets inducted into the New Republic’s top squadron when he’s eighteen, and his father shakes his hand and claps him on the shoulder, and Poe can see the Massassi temple in the distance.

II.

Poe’s first skirmish with the First Order leaves him breathless.

As soon as he’s back on solid ground he’s on his knees, head swimming. His ears still ring with the sound of the various alarms in his X-Wing blaring at him as he accrued damage.

Close call. Too close, he decides. He could have died, and then where would his mother’s legacy be? Poe gulps down fresh air and brushes himself off and swears to do better, to be better. To never again let the First Order intimidate him.

III.

Poe’s in a bar on New Coruscant bragging about being the best pilot in the galaxy when the shouting starts.

An attack on Hosnian Beta. Thousands dead. Poe tries to think of the news in terms of statistics, not burning bodies.

It doesn’t work.

In the days that follow, the senate steadfastly denies any link between the attack and the First Order. Anything to stave off war. Everything’s fine, they lie. Conditions normal. We’re all fine here.

IV.

He was supposed to slip away undetected. That was the plan.

Except his father catches him on his way out and tries to talk him down, and then when that doesn’t work, to shout him down. “You’ll be a disgrace,” he says while Poe tries not to flinch at the sound of his voice. “You can never come home.” Then he pulls out the big gun. “What would your mother think?”

Poe walks away, his father’s voice growing quieter in the distance but never quite leaving his head. The next time he goes to sleep, it’s in a creaky bunk in Resistance barracks.

V.

Poe starts collecting friends like model starships. Snap Wexley teases relentlessly, but he’s always ready with a hug. Jessika Pava will turn anything into a competition. L’ulo entertains with old war stories non-stop. Karé Kun has a heart of gold and nerves of steel. Kaydel Ko Connix is sixteen when Poe meets her, and she’s the smartest person he’s ever known.

General Organa takes him under her wing right away. She lost a son; he lost a mother. They fit into old, forgotten roles like much-abused puzzle pieces. It takes time, it takes patience, but eventually Poe feels he’s found a home and a role model.

Every now and then he catches the General smiling at him with something he thinks might be pride.

VI.

Kylo Ren tears it all out of him.

Every hope, every good memory, he brings it to the surface and torches it, letting Poe seethe in doubt and pain. No one is coming for him; he knew that already. But Ren makes it evident that no one _wants_ to come for him, that the Resistance doesn’t care for him any more than his father ever did. He was a pawn to be sacrificed, leaving behind nothing but shame and the shadow of his mother’s legacy, empty and unfulfilled.

“The Resistance,” he promises, fighting with that last scrap of hope, “will not be intimidated by you.” He tries thinking of his friends, of Jess and Snap and Karé, of the General. They rise in his memory blurred, distorted, mocking him.

Kylo Ren pushes harder with the Force, and suddenly Poe’s seeing his father yelling at him never to come home. He sees his mother, ripping her hand out of his, staring down at him ashamed.

He’s going to die, he’s going to die, there’s not a damn thing he can do to stop it. He’s going to die and no one will remember him and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

Except—

VII.

Poe gives up BB-8.

He hangs there in his shackles, bloody and beaten and broken, and he knows that he has failed. Failed BB-8, failed the General, failed his mother.

He hangs there and he waits to die.

VIII.

When the Stormtrooper comes for him, Poe can’t even find it in himself to care. Ren wants to torture him some more. Fine. Maybe he’ll give up the Resistance base this time. Poe’s trying hard to care, but he doesn’t even feel like a person anymore, let alone a fighter pilot. He feels like a tool, created for a purpose, broken beyond repair.

And then this stranger’s asking him if he can fly a TIE fighter and looking at him like he’s a hero and Poe feels his chest fill up with something. “I can fly anything,” he swears, and his new job is to get this defector trooper away from the First Order. Leave someone better than how he found them. Foster the hope and light he sees the Stormtrooper’s eyes brimming with.

Poe gives him a name. When he’s wandering the desert alone later, he remembers that. Maybe the Stormtrooper— _Finn_ — will keep using the name. Maybe every time someone says his name, Finn will remember the man who named him. So at least he’s done something.

IX.

Once Poe is back on D’Qar, the General pulls him into her office. She tells him how brave he was, how proud she is of him. It throws him for a loop.

“I gave up the map,” he says, staring down at his folded hands. “I gave up your brother.”

“Kylo Ren would have found out anyway,” she sighs, old and jaded. “But Poe— I cannot tell you how glad I am that you’re still with us. I must admit, I was terrified that we would lose you.”

And that’s strange to him, something to consider. That he might be important beyond his actions, that he himself matters more than the consequences he creates. It’s difficult for him to fathom, so he just gives the General a curt nod and waits to be dismissed.

X.

“I don’t want to be remembered for anything,” he says late one night to the only one with whom he can share his secrets. “I guess that makes me a shitty war hero, but I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re telling stories about me in the future. I just… I just want a home. I just want to know that I matter _now_.”

BB-8 pushes their dome up into his hand, almost nuzzling him, and Poe again feels a stab of guilt for giving them up. The droid seems to forgive him.

BB-8 whirrs gently and bumps against his knee, and Poe decides that if all he leaves behind is a droid who can swear in thirty-seven languages, maybe that’s okay.


End file.
